I feel like I’m in crisis mode.
I feel trapped in a dead space in my career. I feel almost zero motivation. I have no set goals. It’s as though there is a Jonah in the crew of my heart. And the winds are dead until I find the responsible party and throw him (or her) overboard. Preferably with a stone tied around their neck.
See, what happened was…
I came back from deployment in November. I am a transportation officer. I was only temporarily assigned to my company as a fill-in platoon leader and was yanked back out when I returned – but that was all as scheduled. I was curious to see what work I would do in the staff section which was my original destination.
I went on my thirty days of leave first, around Christmas/New Years. I applied for a school, went to that, and was holding my breath for a deployment, which I didn’t get picked for. Oh well, the War is winding down anyway, so I am okay with that.
I am, however, champing at the bit to be back leading Soldiers, staff is… well, everyone who has been on staff knows. It’s like comparing construction work with being employed by Initech*. I was hoping to get stationed at Grafenwoehr since Bamberg is shutting down because it has so much kick-ass training there… but instead I’m being routed to Baumholder. This is all fine and dandy I suppose… but I am downplaying how much kicking and screaming and dragging of feet I’ve been doing about the whole thing.
I honestly can’t pinpoint my aggression or depression though.
I am having a terrible case of, “If only” and I am staring longingly at the greener grass in combat units. I think that is what it all boils down to, and I just feel cursed and damned by type of unit, and time, and timing.
The women being able to be in combat announcement is too late to benefit me so far. Which, don’t get me wrong, I’m still incredibly excited about it, but… I’m beginning to get this nagging feeling I won’t get to participate in it.
Unless… and this is a huge unless. Unless I got the chance to branch-transfer as a Captain.
Which brings me to a conundrum: Do I do all I can do in my power to make myself a competitive candidate for branch transfer as a Captain? That might mean getting my Masters degree, and being competitive for schools such as Air Assault, etc. That means being in the best shape of my life 24/7, which means making a much more defined plan than I have right now for exercise/dieting.
The being in shape thing is a motivation thing, which is perplexing me at the moment. I currently have very little motivation for some strange reason. I was in really good shape at the school in March timeframe, and I can’t believe how fast I lost that, and I wonder if it’s partially stress, or maybe boredom that has added these recent 4lb out of nowhere and slowed my run time.
Also, I don’t have a regular schedule of working out. I mean, we do unit PT (Physical Training) in the morning, and in the afternoons the last two weeks I tried adding runs, but then I got sick while I was in Italy. And it just seems I can’t get myself to stick to any sort of routine lately.
Which brings me to my next point, I’m sick right now, I’m coughing a lot, and I guess I have mild bronchitis… but still, I feel like that doesn’t explain the sudden weight gain. Am I really eating that much?
The getting my masters degree and other academic or otherwise educational or business or management programs which would make me competitive however: those often require contracting to agree to further time and service in the Army.
And the way my experience (and the experience of many of my peers) has been in this Army right now… makes me cringe at this possibility of being forced no matter how I feel – to more than my prerequisite 5 years.
Yet, when I look at myself, I don’t see the G.I. Jane bad-ass that I would be proud to say, turned down the Army at her five-year mark! I see a sarcastic, out-of-breath, mean-spirited, dejected, sad little person… (to quote a little DWP at the end there) …a sad little person who got out, and it never really made a difference to or impacted the Army.
The even more confusing thing about my relationship with the Army is that sometimes I get told I’m “sure to be successful” and I’m given the thumbs up, pat on the back, you go girl!, and the really awe-inspiring compliment of “You just seem like one of those motivated people.”
And I wonder if I should just strive to be better in the job I have in my lap. Or should I try to change careers before I’m thirty?
AND I look at myself in the mirror and I look at the numbers on the scale and for my run-times, and I wonder if I am betting on the wrong horse… maybe it’s just that time of the month though… I hope I can just blame water-retention and hormones, because I feel like I’m going crazy. I need a pet, or a plant.
On a happier note, here is me jumping over the ruins at Pompeii in Italy and not looking like I gained four pounds of lard: