It is tough to admit, but I am unhappy with myself right now. So I recently tried something I had never tried before, and I think I fell in love with surfing. This is my first attempt to capture surfing in art. Mere months ago I was tortured with the question, “Do I have what it takes?” And I found myself with an answer that I do not understand.
Anyway, since I received that answer, I have been having these dreams. It’s funny, I’ve never dreamt about any other event in my life, not counting relationships. I never dreamed I was back at West Point, or high school, or back in sports. But now I keep dreaming I am back where I was tested. I keep dreaming, and the dreams are changing. I go through success and crushing failure and bizarre situations in my dreams. Every time I wake up, I am running the dreams through my head to figure out what they mean. I am coming to terms with my mixed success; and therefore, by definition, mixed failure.
But in my efforts to restore peace to my soul… I have finally set my eyes on some goals: three surfing trips, and a Tough Mudder coming up in Germany. I am going to go first to a surf-camp in Portugal. Then to one in the Canary Islands, and finally, test myself on some intermediate waves in Madeira. I don’t know how long this will take. But it’s a path towards peace. Right now I am still too turbulent to go back to that place of proving. When I go back, I have to be spiritually ready. I think that is what is the place inside that is broken.
Emotionally, I have some work to do, but the emotions are at least all there for me to reference and use, and I know how to practice restraint. But peace… isn’t just about reactions. Peace is about settling the shaking earthquakes and violent eruptions inside your soul when the day is still and there is no apparent reason for the ache inside.
And I am sorry, but this answer is no longer something I seek with any sort of God. The idea of God isn’t so bad. It’s just that… the closer one gets to ‘God’ it seems the more you share your company with the overly naïve, the zealous, the hypocritical, the cruel, and the crazy. I don’t need that right now. I just need some peace. I don’t need a God, and a God doesn’t need me. I just want to be happy with myself.